Shorties 37: Fresno Nightcrawler

Creep out! We’re going on a creepy crawl, but quite frankly, we don’t think this creature is creepy at all! In fact we are impressed with it’s confidence and “take charge” attitude. You can tell by the way they walk that you probably can’t even handle the (what the kids call) “fierceness” that this modern day cryptid brings to these California streets. Jonni and Bob happily discuss the hottest cryptid of the 21st Century. The one and only “Fresno Nightcrawler”. The Fresno Nightcrawler is the feminist icon this world doesn’t deserve. Let Bob and Jonni convince you of this magic and why it deserves your creepy love. Creepy in the best way! There are many versions of this CCTV clip, we particularly like the Vanessa Carlton version. We actually couldn’t find the link that we also included in the discussion, but any CCTV Fresno Nightcrawler footage would do. I’d walk a thousand miles just to be with Fresno Nightcrawler tonight.

Fresno Nightcrawler, Vanessa Carlton edition.

Oh shit, this one has Tiny Tim on it.

GOAT.

Episode 105: Zoo

WARNING: THIS EPISODE IS FUCKING GROSS AND SHOULD NOT BE HEARD BY ANYONE

Hey there, Doccalo. Bob hinted that he might go hard for Creeptober, but we didn’t think he meant “horse erection” hard. Akil and Bob watched the 2007 documentary “Zoo” by Robinson Devor, and Akil was very close to throwing all the recording equipment into the nearest body of water. “Zoo” is about a guy (Mr. Hands. He picked that nickname himself) who got fucked by a horse and died, and the horsefucker fallout that came after. So yeah…this episode is probably not for decent human beings who want their ears to remain unsullied by bestiality breakdowns. Akil, who usually is so good at eating the documentary version of shit, was truly tested with this one. But what Akil didn’t like and what more he wanted from this documentary may surprise you. Not that you should hit play and find out or anything. Listening to this episode might make you a worse person. You can find this on YouTube, which should inform you that nothing graphic is shown in the film. The descriptions the hosts make in the show are probably worse, really. But again…DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE! YOU WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE THEM! JUST GO LISTEN TO THE “MARCH OF THE PENGUINS” EPISODE OR SOMETHING! That story about the mini horse was pretty fucking wild though. That account really sticks to the ribs. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Here’s the entire film….you sick fuck. 

I swear that this link WILL NOT take you to the MR. HANDS video.

This link will also NOT take you to the MR. HANDS video.

Free college for nasty fucks.

Shorties 36: My Dead Great Grandma’s Coffin in My Own Backyard

It’s time to Creeptober (puts on wraparound sunglasses) SHORTIES EDITION! Jonni steps up for his very first batch of “Shorties” to get his face creeped off. This week we meet a very interesting YouTuber by the name of DJ Deaf Joey and Joey is deaf in case you didn’t pick up on that by his moniker. This video is all visual and oh what a visual it is! It’s called “My Dead Great Grandmother’s Coffin in My Own Backyard” and DJ Deaf Joey has exactly what that title says in his backyard. She passed away in 1945. What would you do if you had a relative in your backyard that has been dead for over 70 years? Open the coffin, of course! DJ Deaf Joey was born 8 years after his great grandmother died, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. In fact…he can prove that he loves her AND DOES! This one might be heavy for some people, but it is impressive how DJ Deaf Joey honestly presents the situation…and then that weird thing happened. CREEPTOBER BAY BAY!

Here it is. I love his hair.

A classicK.

Episode 104: The Family

Creeptober rolls (a big ass hogs leg) onward as Bob and Angela take a look behind one of many aspects of political power and corruption. This one might be more insidious than most as it prides secrecy over accountability and cloaks itself in religious “humility”. Enlightening to some degree, but not exactly shocking. We take inventory of the organization within this Netflix documentary series called “The Family” by Jesse Moss. Jesus evoking politicians who condemn actions of any outside of their circles, but give a free pass to any who bow and scrape within. Jesus loves the sheep but who’s gonna love the wolf? I think maybe the answer should be “Jesus loves the wolf, but condemns the actions”, but we all know Washington is where hopes and dreams go to die and misspend our tax dollars on mass murder half a world away. Meanwhile, bridges are crumbling. But I guess God made bridges crumble for a reason. If God wanted to fix bridges he’d fix them. I think I get it now. I’m on The Family’s side. Praise Mammon…uh…I mean…God. The Family’s personal Bible leaves out the verses where Jesus gets pissed at the money changers. Keep on Flippin’ Tables, Jesus. Please please please flip these tables, Jesus.

“The Family” Trailer.

Hey, they got a wiki page! Guess they fucked up being “secret”. Hell, this podcast is more secret than they are.

Don’t bother wasting money on a Theology degree. Just read this, bruh.

Episode 103: Catching Hell

CREEPTOBER IS OFFICIALLY CREEPIN’. All month long we will discuss the terrifying aspects of life from the stereotypical Halloween schlock to the horrifying aspects of power in our lives. Drew and Bob kick it off with an ESPN documentary (related to the 30 for 30 series) about the madness of mass fandom and the dude that probably handled it better than most people could have. We return to Alex Gibney for his ESPN film “Catching Hell”. In 2003 the Chicago Cubs were looking good in the playoffs going into game 6 of the National League Championship series, until Luis Castillo for the Marlins hit what looked to be an easy pop up that drifts foul into the stands towards a turtle-necked, bespectacled fellow wearing headphones who stuck his hand out and fumbled a ball that Moises Alou looked to be able to grab. Afterwards, the Cubs fell apart. They gave up 8 runs in a clutch inning, a Chicago Cubs tradition. But that fan, poor Steve Bartman, suddenly held the weight and anger of a city on his back. Not all celebrity is good. We appropriately open up Creeptober with the worst day in a guy’s life. The scariest things are real, and not much is scarier than tens of thousands of drunk, angry, white Chicagoans that want your head on a stick. You’ll find out who your real friends are in that scenario. Get creeped. Stay Creepin’. Keep on Doccin’.

Here’s the trailer.

The incident.

Do the Bartman, please.

Listen to Drew’s sports talk show “Walk It Off” and Garage/punk show “Loud Love”

High end education.</p

Episode 102: Handicapped Future

This is it! We bookend Herzog month with one last Werner Herzog documentary. Bob and Angela went very deep cut on this one. So deep that we don’t have any English translation of this film that Werner made for German television back in 1971. It’s about the status of children who have a variety of physical disabilities, not least of which are birth defects from the usage of Thalidomide. Bob and Angela discuss Werner’s “Handicapped Future/Behinderte Zukunft” and it’s available on YouTube. Much more convenient if you understand the German language. You can translate it from the German subtitles, but if you do that you can see that it barely helps. Nonetheless, we persisted. We won’t let pesky things like “not understanding foreign languages” get in the way of a Documenteers episode! Ironically, Bob took German in high school and did pretty well, but all that information got pushed out to make room for stuff like “What are the names of all of Batman’s sidekicks?” and Legend of Zelda puzzle solutions. Farewell to Herzog Month. Now we head to CREEPTOBER OCTOBER! Keep on Doccin’

Here’s the film. Good luck, non-German speakers.

About Thalidomide.

Shorties 35: Pilgrimage

We end our Herzog Month Shorties with the subjects of a journey. The bold, unfiltered study of human religious devotion in the Werner Herzog 2001 short film “Pilgrimage”. Crawling on your knees in Mexico, or lying face down on some ice in Russia. The power of belief in action is both fascinating and frightening. Bob and Ginger stare it straight in the eyes and maybe got a little shook by it. No symbols. No Statues. Just the true source of belief’s power. The people and their faces. Get your walk right, bruh. Or don’t. We don’t care.

Pilgrimage.

Learn here.

Kraftwerk song of the week.

Episode 101: Cave of Forgotten Dreams

Let’s get deep, Doccalo. No, not deep like that you goddamn pervert! We mean “cave deep”. Chauvet Cave “deep”. All kinds of Ginger for this Herzog Month and she selected this week’s Werner Herzog directed documentary “Cave of Forgotten Dreams” from 2010. When archaeologists found a hidden cave in southern France, they knew it could be special, but they couldn’t have possibly predicted what they found. Cave drawings. Well preserved and at least 32,000 years old. The oldest known so far. Werner had unprecedented, and limited, access to this cave that is a window to understanding life during the Paleolithic Ice Age. You wouldn’t believe what was wandering around Southern France at the time. The Wooly Three-Horned Gérard Depardieu! Baguette trees as far as the eyes could see! Behold with Bob and Ginger, the works of the first French Artsy Fartsy Man®. Guest starring Andy Gibb. Try not to get Carbon Dioxide poisoning and Keep on Doccin’.

Here’s the trailer.

The Chauvet recreation!

An essay.

Try not to shake your ass too hard.

Shorties 34: Ten Thousand Years Older

Get ready to bound thousands of years within a generation. In this Werner Herzog short, Werner tells of the story of when modernity came for a tribe in Brazil that is amongst the last to be discovered. From the Stone Age to the 21st century and indigenous culture gets dusted in the process. Bob and Ginger discuss Werner’s short film “Ten Thousand Years Older” and we’ve been staring at clocks ever since. Fwooshing through time. Find out what tastes salty.

Ten Thousand Years Older.

That Terry Pratchett and Bill Gates interview we mentioned.

Kraftwerk song of the week.

Episode 100: My Best Fiend

WOW! We (and you) just can’t believe it actually happened! The Documenteers managed to make it to 100 episodes. All those hours and hours and hours of….this. 100 documentaries. Months worth of editing time spent. Friendships shook. Relationships strained. All of that processed to this very point. Stuart and Bob discuss Werner Herzog’s biographical documentary “My Best Fiend”. A film about Werner’s turmoiled times with the notorious German actor Klaus Kinski. Stuart and Bob hosted episode 1 of the Documenteers. Perfect that they come together for episode 100 to discuss a film about a turmoiled friendship full of bickering, lies, and a smidgen of violence. You can watch “My Best Fiend” for freebies over at tubitv.com .

A big special thing for this episode is that it is full of TOTALLY REAL CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS! We run the gamut of famous folks in this one! Authors! Actors! Comedians! Musicians! Politicians! Billionaires! We trot out all the hot shit for this episode. Also, this might be Stuart’s last episode. He wouldn’t speak of it on mic. He would probably deny it if you spoke to him directly about it. Stuart demanded the show start reviewing porn. He put his foot down and said it was either “Me and Porn” or “No-Porn and No-me”. Maybe someday we can patch this up, but probably not until Stuart seeks help with his porn addiction.

But it’s ok. We got celebrities. We got flashbacks. We got some lost bits that you’ve never heard before. We got an extra sized end bumper. And finally, we have the name of the actor who played “Marie” in “Woyzeck”. Her name is Eva Mattes and we apologize for not remembering your name Eva. Your performance was fantastic.

Also, Bob doesn’t write these episode descriptions. It’s me…Herman. I can’t believe this bullshit podcast has lasted this long and I’m embarrassed for everyone involved and embarrassed for anyone who listened to 2 seconds of this. I should do the world a favor and set this studio on fire. Nobody ever reads these so who gives a shit. I’ve jizzed in Bob’s grits multiple times. He always gets seconds. He will never read this and find out because he’s a giant narcissist with his head up his ass. I do think we should review porn, though. I’m with Stuart on this one.

Whatever. Keep on Doccin’

Here’s the trailer to this fuckin’ movie.

Here’s the damn movie, actually.

Here’s the 2nd half of the damn movie.

Here’s a thing.

Give 5 stars and a review or your face will fall off and we’ll die.